Whacky Adventures - Too Zany to be Believed

 

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Excerpt  - When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo is Empty

 
   
 


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      By the time they were in early high school and not building model airplanes like I did when I was a kid, they could debug an existing virus, modify it, and release it again as a new variant of the original with their own devious little stamp added in.

      Plus, the really really nerdy hotshots now had a chance to at last be bad without getting caught. And yet even more new viruses started becoming created from scratch.

      Call it the revenge of the nerds if you will. The bottom line is that these hard wired Waldos now finally had their chance to be villains without getting thumped out by the straights, or put in detention for a month by their teachers.

      Where these villainous misanthropes came from in the first place, is also not that great leap of mystery if you actually stop to think about it. The sudden and simultaneous emergence of bad attitude punkers in malls with pins in their ears and purple hair also had a good reason.

      As everyone knows, much to the consternation of their cocktail drinking parents, a due percentage of young kids stay glued to the TV set all day watching nothing but cartoons and reruns of cartoons.

      As every well-adjusted adult knows, the good guys in these cartoon shows always win. The name of the game with all these cartoons presumably therefore is, for the kids to identify with the good guys and thus exhibit high moral standards for the rest of their lives by Nindo Intendo.

      Enter now the dragon. Kids aren’t adults, so they can’t be expected to be as much up to speed with the program with quite the same acumen of understanding as their parents. So imagine now that some of these kids actually identify with the villains. Why not, don’t they say that the bell distribution curve fits all possibilities?

      Ergo, the Invasion of the Body Piercers, the sudden emergence of kids with purple hair, blades up their noses, and real bad attitudes. Namely. Punkers sitting around the malls all day bad-eyeing everybody else. Ergo, the TV wired tots who identified with the bad guys in the action cartoons and not the heroes.

      They can’t very well walk around being obvious villains, so they sit around malls all day instead being villains by proxy as Punkers, pushing society’s envelopes to the limit as real big ‘in your facers’, and behind the scenes as just as big ‘in your facers’ as virus writers.

      The polar opposite are the Yuppies, driven by formatted thinking processes to succeed, measuring themselves by the stringent politically-correct criterion of peer pressure. If one buys a BMW they all have to have a BMW. If one has a stock portfolio, they all have to have a stock portfolio. Hence the .dotcom craze. You all remember dotcom, I think it sounded something like whoomm, whooommm, wwhhoooommmm, tank.

      So Yup-pie-s are the kids who sat pie-eyed glued in front of Sesame Street all day getting brain formatted. In other words, they eventually became programmed into exactly the same kind of formulated thought processes that Sesame Street runs under. You know, like one, one, one, two, two, three, three, three, etc. ‘Yup’, no doubt about it, two plus two equals pie and ice cream. In other words all of the same kind, all of the same mind, all for the same reason. peas in a pod for every season. Namely  A, a, a, a. B,b….

      Also not surprising therefore, Yuppies need to micro-manage every micro detail of every tiny aspect of their micro measured lives and everyone else’s related to them. Quite the irritating trait at the very least if you’ve ever been around one. And don’t they just love jobs in business management and the Civil Service where they get to exercise their drive for minutia ever second of every day.

      Also not surprising therefore is the proliferation of annoying and highly picayune little local bylaws that seem to be appearing everywhere at an ever increasing rate. As Sesame Street graduates become more and more ensconced within the public sector as it suites their rigidly formatted lifestyle to a tee, more and more of us are becoming ensconced within their micro little bylaws, as that is their rigidly formatted little lifestyle imposed upon us one and all.

      Going into this even deeper, why all the petty little bylaws at an ever exponentially increasing rate. Yuppies notwithstanding. Well what about Yuppies raised in apartment buildings and other environments where rules of order were the order of the day. Like, Don’t run in the hallways, don’t make a noise, don’t put the dog down the garbage shoot’, coming at them day and night from the very first day they could walk. And the admonitions were delivered like the voice of Doom from their parents so they wouldn’t get the boot.

      By the time they were leaving adolescence they were already well predisposed to the idea that laws were good, laws were necessary, and there weren’t enough of them to cover all bets. Add in the fact that these poor programmed behaviour-bots watched Sesame Street morning, noon, and night and you have the next generation of lawmakers brewing in the canister ready to become unleashed. And it’s been going on for years. 

      So now, nothing could be more important in their life than generating yet their own added rules to live by in everybody’s face in order to justify what happened to them. And now they are all elected municipal officials. Do the math. That’s why you now have to have a licence in some areas to let your dog into the kitchen, or not let your dog into the kitchen.

      The net process of accumulation is not mystic. Ridged minded people are very good at doing some things and not at others. People in positions where some of the job requirements sorely test their ability, tend to revert to the things they can do well. Then they promote their achievements up in everyone’s face as major accomplishments in compensation.

      Pushing utterly picayune little bylaws through is something they can do with great aplomb. So it’s something they do all day long and the bylaw books get thicker by the hour with dumber and dumber societal rulings.

      Going full circle, Yuppies are also now the ones most likely to be affected by a computer virus created by the other side of the coin, the bad guys many of the laws are for. Almost seems like poetic symmetry in there somewhere.

      In a different but similar vein, most teens today talk in a clipped abrupt style like their nostrils are pinched together and adenoids are hanging out. And don’t most of the animal characters in kids’ cartoons sound exactly that way? Who says kids aren’t fast learners?

      In a similar but different vein yet again, Japan, which has always been noted as a nation of somewhat staturely challenged people, now sports a whole new generation of giant six footers and more. The reason is simple, growth hormones have been carried up in the food chain in the beef supply from the cattle feed.

      In fact, all over North America the population seems to be turning somewhat wider in proportion to tall. Maybe it isn’t all about eating and dieting and trail mixing after all. Maybe it’s because each one’s sprout up phase in life has finished and said, “That’s all I can sprout, I can’t sprouts no more”.

      So now the body is screaming, ‘Help, all these growth hormones are driving me crazy. Hey, I know what, since I can’t go vertical anymore why don’t I just go horizontal instead’. That would at least offer a possible explanation as to why it takes twice as much fabric to make half as many shirts as it used to.

      Likewise, in a different yet again but somewhat similar vein, the new generation of le belle femmel all over North America are sporting, well, er, rather amazingly bountiful breasts. Any one of them would have been ‘the cause d’ celebrate’ at any high school when I was a kid. Now it’s par for the course. Even men are sort of kind of starting to sport em. I can’t imagine it’s because they want em. So what’s causing em.

      I used to think it might be because of all the birth control methods going on, and Mother Nature was simply making maximum use of what she had left to work with. Then another idea clicked in.

      Maybe the same kind of hormone supplemental regime as in Japan is at work. Maybe the milk production hormones used to bump up the bounty of the abundant cow has moved likewise up into the food chain. I can see it all now in stark inevitability, a whole new restaurant chain called ‘He Hooters’.

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